Homebound and Hopeless

I always envied those stay at home moms when I was working. They got to spend all their time doing things for and with their kids. Oh, that must be the life. My kids are the most important human beings in my life and to be able to pick them up from school instead of having them stay an extra 1.5 hrs would be heaven. Well, I have since then became that stay at home mom. It hasn't turned out the way that I thought it would. I guess it would be different if I didn't have these ruptured and leaking discs and the stenosis. It would be different if I could be like Mrs. June Cleaver running around everywhere with her feather duster dusting things she did the day before and vacuuming the carpets until bare spots appear. Hmm, that kind of makes me wonder why the dust bunnies keep mating...... I can honestly say I'm not Mrs. Cleaver BUT I have learned and done quite a few things since being homebound. Did you know that if you put deoderant under your boobs it stops boob sweat!!! And hot flashes don't just happen at night. Dogs do fart at the most unopportune moment and they don't blush or get embarrassed about it. Laundry still piles up during the week and still gets done only on the weekend. Yes, I can eat whatever I want and the kids will never know (unless they get wise and figure out that the Capn Crunch didn't just "disappear) but there is a price. Kids do say the darndest thing, some of which should never ever be repeated. If you have enough time on your hands you can actually clean out the frig and find out what the odor is. Helpful hint..... DON'T OPEN THAT CONTAINER!!!!! That stuff can get toxic. When it's over 100 degrees and too hot for the kids to go outside during the day they can drive you bonkers and the house is never big enough to hide in. Kids CAN open locked doors with just a butter knife. Big brothers teach little sisters very grossy gooey stuff. Facebook is addicting, the games that is. As most of you know I'm not much of a chatterbox on FB but I love the games. Couponing IS a job although the extreme couponing is a tad above my head. Walmart is just plain gross. I now understand all of those gross yucky pictures of walmart people that my friends email me. The TV CAN be on just for noise. Dr. Phil is my new best friend. And being home, you do truly realize who your friends and family really are. My life isn't the best right now but I'm trying to make the best out of life. I hope you do the same.

Reality TV

I swore when I became housebound back in March of 2009 that I would NOT get hooked on soap operas. I swore I would entertain myself with hobbies and cleaning and kids' homework. Well, that lasted about the sum of 1.5 days. But, however, I did NOT become addicted to soap operas. What got me, lured me in with it's swan like song and promises of never ending entertainment, REALITY TV!!! Now, there are two types of reality TV. There is daytime reality TV and nighttime reality TV. So let me give you the run down. At 9 am comes Judge Alex. MMMMM yummy. He's almost too handsome to be a real judge. Next up is Judge Joe Brown. Umm, man has lots of insight, not much humor but the people on that show I know will someday end up on Jerry Springer (no I do not watch Jerry). Then there is Judge Greg Mathis. Oh my, he is a hoot. Went from a hood to a judge in just 15 years.... Good man, funny and an easy way to pass 1/2 hour. Peoples Court with Marilyn Milian. DO NOT piss that woman off. She "stick a fork in you I'm done" in a heartbeat. Judge Piero (sp) is awesome. She actually has credibility as a real judge, lawyer and correspondant for NBC. That must have been a heck of a paycheck to become a TV judge. Next up for your entertainment is Divorce Court. Now I haven't figured this one out. Judge Lynn Toller does not grant divorces, just awards/denies claims these yahoo's have against one another. I swear this guy today brought is wife's underwear to the show. Yup, another inteview for good ole Jerry. We finish the day of with the infamous, witty, tough and much wisdomed Judge Judy. Now I LOVE her, but I would never EVER be in her courtroom as plantiff or defendant. She can rip you to shreds and make you cry AND poo your pants in less than a minute. My fav of hers "UM IS NOT AN ANSWER". Yeah, I think I have a girl crush on Judge Judy.
Nighttime reality TV is, well, umm, not sure what it is. My husband sucked me into Survivor and I do indeed enjoy the show. I do, however, wonder.... where do they poop? And the women, well, let's just say, being out there 30 days....a vistor is sure to come. Wipeout is hilareous with its BIG RED BALLS. Truly pointless. And lastly, the Bacholer and Bachlorette. Give me a freaking break. So you're telling me, with a straight face, that these god and godess like models can't find a date except on TV??? yeah........... right. It would be more believable is say I was on the show, with my saggy boobs, cellulite thighs and my stomach that twice held two babies within.
They do tend to doubt our intelligence and yet we still watch. Why? We may never know. Time for a hershey bar and Cash Cab. Oops, there's another one.

Bras, Boobs and Menopause

Yes, it's a girly post today. Being alone most of the time my mind rambles and comes up with all these ideas to talk about. I even have a notebook I keep my ideas in. Yes, I know, I'm sick and I need help.
Well, on to the topics at hand:
Boobs. Yep, we girls have to deal with our boobs. In our youth they are perky and right where God put em. As we age, and yes, we do age, they tend to kinda do their own thing over the years. When we lose weight they shrink. When we gain weight they grow. And when we are pregnant, well, they shoot oozy stuff right out of em. We have no control over our boobs and what they decide to do. And what is the at home etiquette for the bra. Must I wear one when I'm at home alone? Is there a medical reason that says these critters must be bound at all times? Do they sag more if I don't where a bra while blogging? I don't know the rules but if I find out I'll let ya know.
Menopause SUCKS!!!!! For some it comes late in life, like in their 50's. Me, no way. My body said hell no, lets do it now, we have nothing better to do with our time. So, lets go from head to toe. One morning I woke up with one gray hair. The next morning I looked in the mirror and say they had and bred and mutated all over my head. Talk about a wake up call. That was worse than the Screaming Meanie alarm clock my husband uses. Water retention, constipation and bloating oh joy. Do we have a period this month or not? Who knows. Lets spin the wheel. And the sweating... Ladies, it just doesn't occur at night anymore. Oh now, our menopause is much more advanced than our mothers menopause. Our sweats come on at any given time, leaving us a sloppy and wet mess no matter if we are in church, at the doctors or a black tie dinner. Sweats have a mind of their own, just as everything does with menopause. We are crabby, moody and can't stand any noise louder than complete and utter silence. And yes, sometimes we pee a little when we laugh or cough. Not quite ready for Depends yet but the Poise pads work great. Just look at what our young friends have to look forward to. Enjoy ladies.

Bullies

When I was in high school I was encountered by two bullies. Jekyll and Hyde (I use alias' so that they don't come back on me today and once again kick my rear). These two girls were the bain of my existance. Everyday when I got off that school bus there they were and the insults and belittling again. What did I do to these girls? Today, and yes I still think of it, what did I do to these girls but breathe their air? So, one day I encountered Jekyll in the gym. She walked by me and called me b****! I relaiated (sp) for the first time and yelled sl**!! She proceded to run up to me and punch me in the mouth. Blood spewed from my fragile mouth. I smacked her upside the head with my backpack. The gym teacher came out and escorted us to the principals office where we both got swats and sent back to class. Hyde jumped me in the hallway one day and berated me once again w/ 4 letter words. Closer and closer she came and I finally had enough and pushed her to the ground and walked away. Those girls never bothered me again. I stood up for myself and regained my confindence and I WON!!! Today sadly this doesn't happen. When did "fights" in the school yard go from fists to knives and guns? We have to stay vigilant and teach our kids. No longer is it even safe for kids to stand up for themselves. Online, we monitor our children not only from molesters but from bullies as well. What a world eh?